Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!  Created by the talented knife-wielding Laurel

Laaaazy weekend

My friend came in from New York this weekend, so there was a lot of food, booze, and football (aka awesome) but not so much hijinks.  I’ll have to get on that.  Saw lots of folks Friday night at Revolution, which was pretty groovy.  I think I made some new friends outside when I was chewing, although I don’t actually recall most of the night.  Pretty sure I left my pants on though. 

But apparently my new friends weren’t entertaining enough, as I tried to reconnect with everyone in my phone via drunk texts.  Suppose it’s good to know some of them are still alive.  Came as a bit of a surprise with a few, honestly.

The night ended with me curled up on a faux kangaroo rug in front of a roaring fire.  Fuckin’ aboriginal, eh?

Video: Pinheads & Patriots

Hahaha srsly though what small group of people would want 20 copies of the same book, even if it wasn’t shit?  It’d make more sense to send a variety, even if it was all republican tripe.

As long as you’re not eyeing your neighbor’s donkey…

God’s willing to be a little chill about the whole stealing issue, it seems.  Hey, following 90% of the commandments is still an A, right?

When I started working at the bookstore, my manager told me the most commonly stolen book was the Bible.  But that seems a little silly now, doesn’t it?  And yet I found proof of a stolen Bible yesterday, and if that’s not enough concrete evidence of the veracity of my manager’s claim, this New York Times article backs me up.

I gotta be honest – people who come into the store looking for Christian inspirational shit and Bibles are disproportionately some of the most self righteous fucks I’ve ever seen.  Oh, I’m sorry, we only have six editions of the King James Bible and that’s not enough for you to choose from now, huh?  But ok, ok, it’s my job so I can try to find what you’re looking for and order it…but did you know we sell something like ten million different copies of the Bible?  Sorry if I can’t find a pocket-sized one with gilded pages and large font for under $10 like the one you fucking bought in 1980. 

And then when you can’t deliver exactly what they’re looking for down to the bloody margin width they go off into tongues and pray at me.  “Oh Lord bless this wicked nation, bless this wicked nation, that doesn’t even offer your Word in stores anymore, and bless this poor child who can’t even help me find your good Word, Lord…blah blah jebus blah blah…”  Yeah you’re right woman, we’re definitely satanic, with only 20 Bibles over there on the shelf to choose from. 

Jesus fucking Darwin.  

My bones will be like STEEL

Last night drinking a beer at home alone with my parents, gram turns to me and says, “Oh I saw something on the news about drinking beer every day, Caitlyn…they say it’s good for you!”

Awesome.  Glad all the news channels love these lead stories about beer and other delicious drugs.  Thank you unreplicated popular media study for validating my alcoholism in my grandmother’s eyes.   

Apparently, a nutrition study at Cambridge found that the silicon in beer helps prevent bone loss in women.  Silicon: tits, tech, and Tecate.  Who knew one element could offer so much joy?

Professor Jonathan Powell claims, “Our research shows that the absorption rate of silicon from beer is the highest of any foodstuff.”  One pint a day is supposed to do the trick; but, hey, I don’t want a broken hip at eighty because of osteoporosis, so better to be safe than sorry and drink…oh, a little more than a pint a day.

Bears

Had a dream last night about being raped by a bear… am a little uncertain if my subconscious is hung up on football or the Mormonts.  Perhaps both. 

Funny story: Couldn’t find my Bears jersey yesterday (tragedy!), so I asked my friend to see if I had left it at her place.  She found it on her back porch, where it had been sitting for a week, along with my pants.  Don’t remember taking my pants off at all…

Not funny story: A Storm of Swords.

Monies!

It’s been a good night.  I finally filed my taxes 6 months later and will get $51 back!

But more importantly, the Bears won tonight!  And not only that they won me $50!  And with a lot less effort than filing my taxes took :-)

Also my 8 and 9 year old niece and nephew now know what a lesbian is, and my niece thinks Justin Bieber’s a girl. 

It’s been a good night.